How to Breakup With Someone You Loved Nicely

Breakups may be a necessary or inevitable end in a relationship, but you need to learn to do it the right way.

Breakup respectfully
Lady consoling a man; Source: iStockphotos

Breakup is never a nice experience. It is something no two people in a relationship ever want. Unfortunately, a breakup is inevitable in most relationships.

According to Helen Chen, a bestselling relationship author,[1]Helen Chen’s Love Seminar: The Missing Manual that Will Make Your Relationship Last Review, over 85% of dating relationships end in breakups. Half of the 15% that survive into marriage end up in divorce or separation in the United States.

It is clear that a lot of relationships would eventually end in a breakup even when the partners loved each other. The survival of any relationship does not depend on “love” alone. Other factors can contribute to that.

In any case, it is important to initiate a breakup as nicely as possible whenever there is a genuine need to end the relationship. Before we see how to break up with someone you love as nicely as possible, let us see some reasons why breakups occur in many relationships.

Reasons why breakups occur in relationships

Breakups occur when one or both partners are no longer happy or committed to the relationship. This lack of commitment occurs for the following reasons:

  1. The partners grow apart in the relationship when they begin to clearly see their incompatibilities over time.
  2. Not careful enough before deciding to enter the relationship in the first place. This breakup typically occurs within 6-8 months of the relationship.
  3. Gradual loss of interest because the partners are not meeting each of their emotional needs.
  4. Unresolvable issues in the relationship.
  5. Cheating, spousal abuse, and unfaithfulness.
  6. External influence and bad advice.
  7. Sudden interest in someone else instead of one’s partner.
  8. Biological incompatibilities, like two AS genotype partners.

Signs a breakup is inevitable

I didn’t see these signs when I had my last breakup with my ex but looking back, the signs become clearer.

It is not easy to call off a relationship with someone whom you have shared a lot of things with. A breakup is not something anyone desires, but sometimes, it can be inevitable for the happiness of everyone.

Here are some signs of an impending breakup. The goal is to make you recognise them so that you can act promptly to save the relationship or nicely call it a break.

  1. You lose interest in communication.
  2. You have unresolved issues.
  3. You are no longer interested in discussing the way forward.
  4. Your future together suddenly begins to get blurry.
  5. Appearance begins to matter so much.
  6. You begin to prefer spending less time together.
  7. Prolonged argument on the same topics.
  8. You start contemplating another partner.
  9. None of you is open for a conversation about the state of things.
  10. You are already thinking of ways to break up the relationship with your partner.

How to break up with someone you love respectfully

Breaking up respectfully and nicely with your partner requires you to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and act emphatically. The following tips will help you to break up nicely with your partner if the relationship is near its inevitable end.

1. Ask yourself why you want to break

Before you break up with someone you have been involved with, you should ask yourself carefully and deeply about the reasons for your decision. You don’t want to lose someone who loves you over one flimsy reason.

Besides, you want to be crystal clear on the reason you are breaking up with your partner. So that you can be able to explain it politely to him/her when you are discussing the breakup with them.

It doesn’t matter if the reason sounds self-centred. As long as you are clear on your reason and you feel it is enough to warrant a breakup, you can discuss it with your partner nicely.

2. Wait for the right moment

Breaking up nicely with your partner requires you to be patient and calculative. You don’t want to rush into saying it or being insensitive about it.

Your partner’s birthdays or other special days are not the right time to spill the beans about your decision to break up with them. Spending more time thinking about how to make the breakup as respectful as possible actually makes it so.

If possible, do it physically when you are both present. Breakups done impulsively over the phone are oftentimes out of baseless emotions and often come out harshly.

However, if is not possible to see yourselves soon, there is nothing wrong with breaking up on the phone as long as you are sensitive about it.

3. Say your mind gently

When the time is right, tell your partner what you have been wanting to say. You will realize that they may already have suspected that you are about to break up with them. That notwithstanding, be as mild as possible.

Instead of the conventional “the bad news first” approach, a breakup is one situation when you might need to start with the good part first. This is because you don’t want it to come out too harsh on your partner, and you want them to listen to the end.

Start by telling him/her about how amazing they are. Talk about the good things they do as well as the things they do that you don’t like. That helps keep it balanced so it doesn’t look too much like flattery.

Now it is time to state your reasons and intention to break up clearly and mildly.

End it up by apologizing to them about how they might feel about what you have just said, and give them some hope that they will find someone better suited for them.

Let me give an instance here.

There is something important I want to discuss with you.

You are one of the sweetest things that has happened to me recently. I love the way you make me feel. I love how you look at me, and I don’t forget your nagging moments too.

I have been trying to deal with certain things in this relationship. We have discussed this severally but I don’t feel like I can deal with this anymore. You might not be aware of it but I don’t think I like you enough like I have always believed.

You are a great person but I don’t want the relationship anymore. Maybe we could be friends but I don’t see it working out anymore.

I am sorry if this hurts you so much. It hurts me too. But I just needed to let you know for both of our happiness in the long-run.

I’m sure you will find someone else who is better suited for you. You are a beautiful girl and you are a great person. I just don’t want to hurt you more than I am already doing.

4. Listen to them speak their mind

You don’t have to talk too long to drive home your point. Few lines are enough, as illustrated above. When you are done, keep silent and allow them to talk. You don’t have to prompt them to speak by asking him/her if they have anything to say.

Oftentimes, people’s egos will not allow them to challenge your decision at that time. This is because they don’t want to look too desperate as that might make it harder on them later. They might even fake happiness to act as if they are ready for anything currently going on.

But sometimes, your soon-to-be ex might appeal to you if you think this can be salvaged, or if you are sure that nothing can be done. He/she might become emotional and burst into tears. At this point, you can console them by giving him/her a hug and telling them you are sorry.

While consoling them, you should maintain your boundaries as much as possible. Don’t allow the emotions make you to kiss them, cuddle, or have sex with him/her. Your partner might also think that having sex with you can restore the relationship if they are afraid to let it break, but that will only make things worse in the long run.

5. Give them ample space

This is where many people get it wrong when breaking up with their partner. Some people skip the above four steps and begin a breakup by giving their partner space. Giving space without speaking to your partner will only make them feel worse than normal.

After discussing the breakup with your ex, give them ample time to heal from the breakup. It might not be easy for him or her to heal from the breakup but you don’t need to make it harder by always contacting or visiting him or her.

Avoid too close contacts within the first few months of the breakup, say 10-12 months, to avoid reigniting some old passions that will make it harder for you or your partner to move on from the broken relationship.

That does not mean you should avoid every opportunity to get in contact with the person. If it helps them heal, you can allow them to contact you when they are feeling lonely but you should do so excessively.

It is important to maintain clear boundaries after the breakup without considering any possibility of a reunion. Most relationships do not recover after a breakup has been attempted, but if it is meant to be, you don’t have to control it.

6. Take care of yourself too

Whether you know it or not, you will still experience some pain from the breakup even if you were the one that initiated it. You will miss your ex, and you will remember some of those good memories you shared.

Giving your ex enough space will also make you recover from the feeling of heartbreak.

Also remove anything that deeply reminds you of them.

Common Breakup Mistakes People Make

There are some common mistakes people make when they are contemplating breaking up with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Here are a few of some of those mistakes. Knowing these can help you make a breakup easier and milder for you and your partner.

1. Avoiding the discussion about the breakup but acting it out

Don’t avoid the conversation with your BF/GF even if you think that is the milder thing to do as that would make this harder for them to move on after the breakup.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who shared an Instagram trend with me about a guy who was no longer interested in a relationship with his girlfriend but he would not say anything.

Here are the screenshots of the trending conversation on Instagram.

The conversation showed that the guy was no longer interested in the relationship but he was either too scared or too insensitive to discuss the breakup with the girl.

After a thorough discussion with my friend, we both agreed that it would be milder and nicer to let the girl know about the current state of things, rather than enslaving someone because use you are no longer interested. In the end, the relationship will still end but you may have succeeded in making things worse for your ex.

2. It’s okay to take a break without a breakup

I once ended a relationship inadvertently because of this misconception. It was not my intention to break up with my ex that way but that was what she understood when I said I needed a break to think about recent activities in the relationship.

Many people think that partners cannot take a break in a relationship without ending in a breakup. That is not true. Sometimes, a break can be necessary to understand things better and to put things in a better perspective.

When I saw how she took it, I tried to re-explain to her the next day that I didn’t mean I wanted a complete breakup with her but she was already infuriated. All other attempts to restore the relationship were unsuccessful.

3. Don’t take any slight opportunity to break up

Relationships are not a bed of roses. They are filled with good things and some undesirable experiences in between.

Some people think they can break up with their partner at the slightest opportunity, or when they do something to offend them no matter how small it is. That is not supposed to be.

Before you call for a breakup, you must ensure that the issues relating to the breakup are those that cannot be resolved by either or both of you. Usually, these involve fundamental beliefs core ideologies and behaviours that one or both of you are not comfortable with.

4. Breakup is not an opportunity to vent off old offenses

To breakup respectfully and mildly with your partner, that is not the time to remind them of all the things they have done wrong in the past. You should avoid direct remarks about some of the past offences as much as possible.

As much as you want to do so, avoid it and focus on the task at hand. Remember that breakup is not always about what you or your partner have done wrong. Even little differences in ideologies that both partners are not willing to compromise for can legally lead to a breakup.

5. You don’t need a third-party for a breakup

You neither need the consent of a third-party before initiating a breakup with your partner. It should be at your own discretion and conviction.

Also, you should not ask someone else to do the breakup for you. If you are sure that is what you want to do, summon the courage to tell your partner yourself. That can make the breakup more respectful and milder for the person on the receiving end.

Again, as much as possible, do the breakup in person. If you absolutely need to use WhatsApp, a voice call or video call would be preferred to text.

6. Let your partner be the first to know about the breakup

This is one common mistake some people make when they want to breakup with their partner. It is not right to let someone else hear of the impending breakup before your partner does.

For example, announcing your intention to breakup with your partner to your parents or siblings before you have told your soon-to-be ex can raise a big problem eventually. Your partner might feel worse hearing it from someone else and that can make the breakup less respectfully.

7. Breakup is not the end of friendship

One of my most painful breakups was due to the fact that my ex did not give me any opportunity to heal. She ignored my feelings totally and did everything possible to avoid me.

She walked out on me without a word. And till today, we have not spoken to each other despite my efforts to stay friends with her after the breakup.

Again, a breakup is not an enemity deal. You can stay friends after a normal respectful breakup.

8. You don’t have to spread false information about your ex after the breakup

This is something I have seen many people do. The fact that your ex has broken up with you does not mean you have to defame them or their character. They might not be perfect, after all, but that is not enough reason to spread false information about them.

Even if your ex had some bad sides, it is not in your place to turn to breakup around as a opportunity to ruin their public image.

6 Science-backed facts about relationship breakup

  1. A breakup can lead to identity crises and personality changes: A research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin[2]The Impact of Romantic Breakup on the Self-Concept – Sagepub Journal, showed that a harsh breakup can lead to an identify crisis to the worse-hit partner. This partner might begin to feel worthless about life asking such questions like “Who am I without him/her”. This study also showed that the more committed the person was, the worse the impact after a breakup.
  2. Breakups teach us great lessons about love and marriage: Several studies have shown that breakups teach people important lessons about love, relationship, and marriage. Each time you enter and leave a relationship, you learn so much lessons about what you want in a relationship and marriage. Breakups can make you develop faster emotionally than if you never had one.
  3. Unlike women, men break up easily over sexual infidelity: This does not seem fair most times. Why would a man breakup without thinking twice if his woman cheats but he expects her to put up with it if he does the same? No matter how unfair it is, it is what it is. More men break up over infidelity than women.[3]Indiatimes – Science-backed facts about breakups
  4. Women break up over emotional infidelity: This is when a man is not satisfying his woman emotionally but instead giving emotional treats and flirts to other women.[4]Indiatimes – Ibid
  5. Talking about your partner can help you move on faster.[5]Indiatimes – Ibid
  6. Men have a tougher time coping with a breakup than women.[6]Indiatimes – Ibid.

References

References
1Helen Chen’s Love Seminar: The Missing Manual that Will Make Your Relationship Last Review
2The Impact of Romantic Breakup on the Self-Concept – Sagepub Journal
3Indiatimes – Science-backed facts about breakups
4Indiatimes – Ibid
5Indiatimes – Ibid
6Indiatimes – Ibid.

I am a medical doctor, a seasoned writer and passionate blogger. Thanks to many years of trials, failure, and near successes. I am the founder of Knowseeker and our content are geared towards enlightening and making you a better and happier audience.

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