Give it a rest. Calm your nerves. Be cheerful. It’s a new year. We are always hasty to make new year’s resolutions; resolutions that we don’t ever keep beyond mid-January, and for someone like me, who is either fed up with the continuous cycle of unrealistic new year resolutions, we deserve to take this new year off and get a laugh out of it.
Maybe if we make funny, less serious resolutions, we might be more motivated than if we make scary ones. So for now, forget about burning 3 million calories of body fat, or dieting for 300 days of the year. Let’s get on with some funny new year resolutions to cheer you into the new year.
This list contains funny new year resolution ideas I don’t expect you to keep but just to read for a good laugh. After all, what is a new year without the spirit of cheerfulness? Tucked in between these funny new year resolutions are some unserious ones you might want to keep as well. Have fun!
Let’s begin the funny new resolutions with a few images:
Table of Contents
50 Funny new year resolutions to usher you into a cheerful new year
I will never fall in love, love is too painful and expensive.
My weight loss goal is to do 10 push-ups every day throughout the year even though I failed to accomplish the 5-push-up-per-day goal for last year.
I just want to be able to do a single pull-up this new year.
Buy an iPhone with my entire savings at the end of this year.
I will stop being so empathetic, making excuses for people’s bad behaviors, or being nice to them just because I pity them. They know exactly what they are doing and deserve whatever punishment they receive.
I was too kind last year. This year, I will be wicked.
I will join a cult instead of the gym because it is cheaper.
I will help my friend gain ten pounds, so I can look skinnier. Goals!
I want to get married this year but I will only date celebrities I have never seen in my life.
I will stop masturbating with hand sanitizer this new year.
I will get a handwriting book to improve my handwriting. So many people complained about it last year.
My new year resolution is 1280 by 900 pixels.
Grow my beard and start stroking it whenever I am talking with people. Pride!
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will protect the environment by eating less so I can reduce how often I use the toilet and how much harmful gases I release into the atmosphere.
I will use social media only once every week.
I will not hang around girls to make them think I love them.
I will stop giving excuses against ginger and garlic being the best medications because I hate the taste of Paracetamol.
I will wear clean underwear always to avoid a repeat experience of last year.
I promise to not write 2022 instead of 2023. It’s a new year.
I will learn to read fliers after collecting them.
I will read the manual just as soon as I can find it.
I promise to keep to all my new year resolutions for more than a week even though I never do.
I have made a new year resolution not to make any resolutions because none of the ones I made last year saw it through the first quarter.
I want to ditch everything from the old year. It’s a new year, new me, new everything.
I will honestly cut down my data subscription by more than half.
Last year, I was a whore. This new year, I will be totally celibate.
I will become intelligent enough to be able to come up with a password other than “12345”, or my name and initials.
I will avoid taking my bath as much as possible to conserve water.
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet if I find someone who will help me check how much time I spend.
I will stop posting random girls’ pictures as my crush.
I will stop eating Vitamin C tablet just because it tastes well.
I don’t know how to have sex. I will learn it this new year.
I will stop procrastinating this new year.
Last year was so hectic. I will sleep my normal 15 hours daily this new year.
I will not bore my boss with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of something new this new year.
I will be more honest with myself and others. If you are stinking, you are stinking and that’s exactly what I am going to tell you.
I will drink more beer this new year. After all, Benjamin Franklin said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy”.
I will have sex more often this year. I did not meet my target of daily sex for at least 300 days last year.
I will block any attractive boy/girl that is forming too hard to get.
I will stop worrying about my finances to avoid sapping my emotional energy.
I will double my spending this new year. If 50 Cent did it, I can do it too.
I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.
I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.
I promise to clean my room less than once a month. I have other things to do.
I will read fewer books this new year. Too many books can mess your head up.
I will gain at least 40 pounds this year. I hate it when people tell me I have lost weight.
I will get back at everyone who was mean to me last year. Payback time!
I will make sure to plan the entire year by the end of January without leaving any day behind.
If I don’t make huge money before February, I will become a scammer.
The overall aim of coming up with these funny new year resolutions is to have a little bit of fun and not take things too seriously. After all, the new year is just a number. It’s basically a continuation from December. I hope you cheered up a little. This is a great way to kick off the new year and get ready for the work ahead.
I am a medical doctor, a seasoned writer and passionate blogger. Thanks to many years of trials, failure, and near successes. I am the founder of Knowseeker and our content are geared towards enlightening and making you a better and happier audience.