When it comes to friendship, almost everyone is interested. But then there is a fallacy that one would always try to hold on to until they experience the truth. That friends will ever remain without troubles is infinitely far from the truth.
Right from infancy, you have always had a friend. As surprising as it may sound, you have had your first friend and companion as early as age two. Although at these early ages, communication inadequacy would tend to make friendship more fleeting. But it has been shown that if the friends stay together throughout
Friendship And Enmity – The Divides
Friendship is a state of being friends or companions. Someone who shares much intimacy with you and enjoys staying with you could be called a friend. However, someone can be close without sharing intimacy with you.
Literally, enmity is used to refer to the absence of a cordial relationship or friendship with a resultant rivalry and impending violence between the parties involved.
It then goes in such a way that friendship and enmity should theoretically remain two parallel lines that should not meet, that is, if you are not friends, then you are enemies and vice versa. However, in reality, it is not exactly so.
Friendship, even the very intimate ones can sometimes hold a taint of enmity. It is not actually enmity in this regards but could be viewed as normal components of human relations; conflicts.
There is a story of three ladies who had been friends since their teenage years. Their ages were not at all far apart and with their striking resemblance, anyone would think that they were identical triplets.
They went to places together had their early education in the same school and they have always lived close to each other.
Laurel, the youngest of the three, was a young, beautiful girl in her teens. She had those blue eyeball looked somewhat like a mix between her father’s eyebrows and her mother’s eyeballs.
But each time, three of them were together, Laurel, Rose, and Ella, there seems to be some magic that made them look alike when they were together?
Rose and Ella were the seniors by virtue of being in a class ahead of Laurel, but if you decide to split them and ask them to rearrange their relationship so that they are only two, it would not really be between Rose and Ella.
As the years passed by, there emerged more reasons to be more apart. Among the many ocassions of offence, Rose had only managed to forget how Ella maltreated her a year ago.
Last year, on a brilliantly sunny afternoon, the extreme feeling of thirst signalled Rose that she had to take in some water or anything that could quench her thirst. But deep within, she knew it wasn’t just water she wanted.
Earlier that morning, she had seen someone hold a huge cup of ice-cream and ever since then, there remained an unspoken desire to get hold of something that cold and appetizing. However, she was always reassured within her that ice-cream does not come without a cost.
But then, after confirming that Ella was in the position to help her cravings at this time just like she had done for her in time past, it was to her greatest disappointment that Ella would not spare her some money to buy the ice-cream.
This may just look like a simple one-time denial of her friendship rights as you may see it, but it had to take Rose more than a year to let go.
They are getting apart, but are they now gradually becoming enemies? You will soon find out.
There Are Greater Chances To Offend In Friendship
Friendship is not always a union of pleasantries. Sometimes it can be a union of war. The closer people get, the more they are vulnerable to being wronged or offended. Two friends that are distantly apart will hardly get a real opportunity to offend each other. But when they start coming together, it is then they will start noticing the crazy attitudes the other has.
Another thing that makes offences in friendship more obvious is the fact that individual expectations from the friendship gradually increases with time. Little things that would have been ignored now become foci for aggressive eruptions.
The measure how much enmity exists in friendship cannot, therefore, be measured by the magnitude of offences they receive from each other. Almost all the time, it actually indicates how close to each other the friends have become. The closer friends become, the more exposed and vulnerable and chances to offend are significantly greater in friendship.
How To Deal With Disagreements in Friendship
People get annoyed when offended for several reasons. One, to express their displeasure in the act so you can know it and desist from it. And two, expressing their true grief and pain from the results of the action.
I had once been angry and unforgiving for almost a week because my friend acted in a certain way. Within me, I’ve tried to let go and I have reassured myself that I have forgiven and truly I had. But I just wanted to express my feelings with a view that the other party would see it and apologize. I was simply asking for an apology.
Many people are like that, or better still, everyone is like that. They could go miles putting up strange attitudes for someone they love or are friends with just for them to do something about what they did to offend them in the first place.
When disagreement of interests or actual conflicts arise in friendship, how can you deal with them? These are some tips on what to do when those “taints of enmity” express in friendship or prevent them from showing up;
- Understand when your friend is angry or offended.
- Be real and express your feelings, but not always. Sometimes, let your feelings slip through as insignificant.
- Be ready to apologize when you have offended your friend.
- Forgive when apologized to. (I often tell people to forgive in advance by expecting their wrongs even before they actually do).
- Be committed to the relationship. Commitment simply says, no matter what, we stay together.
- Learn to compromise for them.
- Understand that two people should not be angry at the same time.
- Stay away for a while, but be ready to come back together when it is time.
There are other things required for friendship or any other union to last, but the list above are general principles of dealing with disagreements and conflicts.
This Enmity Is Better Than Just Friendship
Many times, there are friends that are only nominally called friends. These friends are extremely careful not to offend each other and of course, they succeed at it. At this stage, they are still leaving a private and non-intrusive life on each other.
Like I mentioned earlier, enmity in this regards is not referring to enmity in its real sense, where people have a hostile relationship with each other and otherwise referred to as enemies. But it refers to the presence of some traits and elements of discord in a seemingly flourishing union.
Friends that are able to succeed in not offending each other are still in their formative years. Trust me, when it gets to more advanced levels of friendship, it will be extremely difficult to totally cleanse out offences. What makes a true relationship is the ability to deal with those strange ominous occurrences. The closer, more offence-prone but stable relationship is better than the more peaceful but distant one in which case we cannot fully say for sure that these friends have proven themselves. Let’s be friends makes way for the offence.
They often say, “marry your friend” but what do they actually mean by this? Marrying your friend means you are marrying someone with whom you have been able to break through the barriers of pretence, having being exposed to and dealing with disagreements you have had with them. This is a higher level of understanding between them such that they already know what their troubles are and have found ways to settle them both now and in the distant future.
When we became friends, we became closer but more open to being offended. But that is better than being at a distance with no possibility to offend or be offended. The advantage is that with time, experience and understanding, the things that once made you angry gradually become insignificant because you have seen them before. You start returning to that state when troubles are minimal, not because they are not there anymore but that they now become harmless actions.
Did I just say you should marry your friend? Do I mean friend zone can end well in marriage? Why am I asking these questions at this time? This must be the weirdest connection of questions ever. But let’s see the possibilities.
Friend Zone Is An Erroneous Concept
Over the years, a new kind of relationship has been described where a lady or a guy says directly or acts in ways that suggest that he or she merely wants to be friends without the intention of getting married to you. This has been referred to as “friend-zone”. But I have seen cases of friends who never knew they were going to marry in 5 years time. I personally consider the concept of “friend zone” a very erroneous one because it is practically impossible to marry everyone you meet.
Being friends, like we know is important for marriage but “friend zone” is only a terminology created by aggrieved people who thought their friendship with someone else would end in marriage but it didn’t.
They say a lady or a guy that wants to be friends with you is about to “friends zone” but they forget that the very fact that they are attracted to you means there is a potential for it to end in marriage. But attempting to skip the innocent friendship level has landed people into more doom than seeing your ex leaving you after “friend-zoning” you.
Hope you have not forgotten the story of Rose, Ella and Laurel already?
They had more issues upon issues as they grew older. And after a while, they had parted their own ways for work and education. But before then, they had grown into real enemies that had no parts crossing any longer. They never got back together ever again.
When you think of them, remember that they were never friends. They were enemies waiting to erupt. Friends stay together through the difficulties that friendship brings.
In conclusion, as friendship advances, some elements that resemble those of enmity sets in but you must remember that those are normal components of an intimate relationship. It may look like enmity but actually, it is not. It only becomes so when you allow it to be. Understanding this will enable you to always look forward to the best in every relationship you find yourself in even when “enmity pseudo-traits” starts setting in.