Before I wrote the post, “why girls hate it when you call them sweet names“, I was interrogating a female friend over the media about the reason why a lady to whom a guy is ready to unleash all the sweet words on the planet, would totally reject all the compliments. Gary Chapman, in his book, has revealed 5 important ways to express love to your spouse. Ad just like the way he called them, they are languages that may differ in the way they are understood by different people.
This seeks to explain how to effectively express love to a spouse. This was borne out of the curiosity to find out why your lady or guy would respond differently to an act you call a show of love. Those compliments and sweet words I talked about in the post make up one of the love languages, but there is obviously more according to Gary Chapman in his “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”.
An excerpt from the book as also represented on his website, highlighted the languages as follows…
The 5 Love Languages
Here are the 5 love languages according to Gary Chapman in his book. I will seek to throw more light into the various concepts as you read on.
Words of Affirmation
This involves using words to build up the other person. By using words of affirmation, you not only build them up psychologically, but you also do so physically, emotionally and financially. Like I mentioned in the post, “compliments are to the soul what nectar is to the insect”. They vitalize and infuses some doses of unquantifiable strength into the recipient. The simple example Gary gave on his website was saying “Thanks for taking out the garbage”, Instead of, “It’s about time you took the garbage out. The flies were going to carry it out for you”. In both cases, the garbage has been taken out but the second statement is obviously capable of sapping of one’s zeal from them.
Gifts are signs of love or affection and they come in different forms. There are those that are tangible, that is, can be touched and felt and others are just not. A gift says more than your mouth could ever express when given the same amount of time. Here is what Gary said about them: A gift says, “He was thinking about me. Look what he got for me.”
Acts of Service
Rendering some services to your partner in a way that gives them joy or relieves them of some duty is a way of expressing love. Gary also puts up an example that would make you fully understand what this act of service. Doing something that you know your spouse would like for them is one of the perfect languages of love. For example, cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are acts of service of love that your partner would always never forget to appreciate.
Time is money they say and this is without any doubt. Giving undivided attention is one way of telling your partner that you truly love them. When you are easily distracted when you are with your partner, it sends a message to them that you do not care about them. Each partner demands undivided attention. They want to stand out and never to be compared with anything else, not even your job. All the love languages are present in everyone to varying extents at different periods of their life, but I want to take this one as one of the most universal, in the sense that, everyone desires this almost all year round. Gary’s example of taking a walk together or sitting on the couch to engage in some talking and listening while the TV is off is just one way to enjoy your time together paying attention to each other. It’s never too late to explore more ways.
This one is also very universal. Living in the same house but with both worlds apart, that’s what lack of physical touch brings. Physical touch is not only for the transfer of warmth in the cold seasons but more importantly, for the transfer of goodness and love to stay on. Many things worry the human individual, emotionally, psychologically and otherwise, but according to Gary, human-to-human contacts in the form of holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual intercourse are expressions of love that helps to lift up the burdens from off your shoulders. This is a love language like the others that you must adopt to express your love to your spouse in your marital home. Gary puts it that each and everybody has a primary love language which speaks more deeply to you than all the rest. Discovering each other’s language and communicating it to them on a regular basis is the best way to keep love alive and burning in a marriage.
Everyone deserves some love, be it in or outside marriage. The person on the street demands some show of love too. Although, we can say that some of the elements especially in the category of physical touch may be reserved for only those actually married, expressing love to people should involve these languages. People truly appreciate things differently. Some would kill for a piece of cake, others just want the latest mobile gadgets, and some others are dumbfounded by a rose flower in a transparent scented paper vase. Discovering what they appreciate the most gives you the power to help them out of every distress when they have gone too deep into it. They just want someone who understands them to that extent and can pull them out of the distress.
Languages can be learnt and developed. Not yet fluent in German yet, go get some lessons. I thought that’s why Gary Chapman wrote the book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”. Many people are deficient in understanding these love languages. Your spouse or partner may be speaking to you about what they need but if you do not understand, you will end up making them unhappy and unsatisfied with the union. Knowing these five love languages should translate to conscious efforts to develop them for your partner or spouse. That’s the goal.
You Need To Be Sensitive
Communication is about speaking and listening. Even the very best of things can become undesirable at certain times. In my previous post about why a woman would say no to your compliments that should normally be interesting and entertaining, you also discover that there is a wrong time for the best things. The keyword here is “be sensitive”.
Everyone Is Multilingual
Multilingual is a terminology used for people who speak and understand more than one language. The book seeks to explain that you must learn to understand the love language of your spouse and communicate with them that way. But another thing to note, as Gary also puts it is that there is always a more dominant language. Understanding this is important for enhancing your love life and to keep the fire burning.
After a period into marriage, couples begin to lose grip of what they started with, that fiery ball of hot unquenchable love begins to give way to a lump of lifeless coal in the dump. Hence, the need to understand that the evolving nature of love requires you to also understand these 5 love languages. Thanks for reading.
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