Is it wrong to date different people at the same time? This is an age-long argument that has persisted through the times. On first look, you’d quickly answer that having multiple dates at the same time is wrong, but on a closer look, you might find a different answer.
Having multiple dates can sometimes be inevitable. People date multiple individuals at the same time for different reasons. Maybe you are confused about which of the suitors to choose, and which ones to leave. It could also be that you are just trying to be careful to avoid making certain mistakes you have made in some time past.
There are different levels to dating multiple partners at the same time, and I am going to give them a second mention at some point in this article.
You might be friends with two different people who are romantically interested in you. You have not made any commitment to either of them, but you are keeping them at arm’s length until you finally decide. This is one case scenario.
The second case: you find someone who pretends to be in a committed relationship with two or more different people without them knowing about this arrangement. While one thinks they are the only one in the relationship, the other one thinks the same way too. This is often for the purpose of exploiting the victims for some physical gain.
While we may agree that having multiple close partners is inevitable (not necessarily serious dates), having multiple dates like the second scenario above is something we might be able to avoid. I mean, it is not compulsory to pretend to love two or more people at the same time. Is it?
Falling in love with multiple dates
We all agree to the existence of individuals who keep multiple date partners for any reason, but what can you say about the reality of falling in love in such relationships? Is it possible to fall in love with more than one person at the same time?
To be able to answer this question, we will first need to examine what falling in love means in this context. When asked the question if it is possible to fall in love with multiple partners at the same time, Jess O’Reilly, PhD, pointed out that it might depend on the type of relationship that gives you satisfaction, whether monogamous or polygamous.
For most people, the monogamous stance holds. Hence, it is quite difficult to love more than one person at the same time. Falling in love means opening up yourself to become vulnerable to someone but this is also a very energy-consuming process.
However less practically, you can choose to fall in love with as many people as you can. Still on this, it is important to note that agape love which is non-romantic love makes it easier to love several people at the same time. There is room enough for everyone, but that is not the case for erotic or romantic love; the type I am primarily talking about in this post.
Why having multiple dates is not wrong
There will always be times when you have several options on the table and you don’t know exactly which to go for. These are such times when you will hear someone tell you, “Follow your heart”. These are also the times when you will discover that following your heart is not all so easy.
We cannot say that having multiple date options is wrong, because there are no tangible reasons to establish that anyone can ever avoid such a situation. However, you will need to carefully draw the safety line so that you don’t tilt the balance to the other side of what we can consider absolutely wrong.
I had an interaction with a set of three ladies and two guys some time ago, and I asked threw open the question, “What do you think is wrong with double-dating?”. One of the ladies retorted emphatically that “there is a difference between double-dating and double-commitment”. This further reinforces the idea that it is possible to be in a situationship with multiple people because you are just not sure who to commit to, or who to leave out yet.
When is having multiple dates considered wrong?
Dating multiple people at the same time and pretending to love them individually will not only be revealed in due time but the individual(s) will feel extremely betrayed when the truth finally comes out. This is not something you want to experience, especially if your partners decide to take the situation through the harsh path or revenge. To avoid this, you must make your dates know what the state of things is in your relationship with them. If you have not “fallen in love” with any of them, you should not pretend to be in anything serious with them.
Having multiple dates is thus considered wrong when, as in the second scenario painted in the introduction, you pretend to be in a committed relationship with one or more of the partners for the sole purpose of extorting them for gains. It could also be considered wrong if both partners show commitment to each other in the relationship but one of the partners is trying to play smart by feigning a similar relationship with someone else.
Advantages of dating multiple people at the same time
I hope you are not thinking that those people who date multiple people at the same time do not have reasons for their actions. There are quite a few advantages that they hold on to as they carry on with the vocation of multiple dating. Here are some of those things you may consider as the advantages of dating multiple individuals at the same time.
1. Don’t put your eggs in one basket
One of the ladies I interacted with in that discussion cited earlier used the ever-true statement, “Do not put your eggs in one basket”. In this context of multiple dating, how true could the statement be?
When you get committed to one partner, you are taking a big risk with your heart. You are opening up yourself to your most vulnerable state. This means you risk losing a lot and getting most hurt if things turn out differently. To avoid this, people who date multiple individuals at the same time do so because they want to escape the hurt should any of them disappoints.
2. You don’t know who is who
Not everything has its value reflected from the outside. In fact, not all that glitter is gold. In the same vein, you cannot tell the potential of a relationship by how rosy it presently feels.
Not all the glitter is gold. This means that you cannot tell the value of everything by how it looks on the outside. In the same vein, you cannot tell the outcome of a relationship with someone simply by how it looks presently. Only time can tell how the relationship ends up. So, because you don’t know who is who, in terms of who you will finally end up with, it is important to keep an open mind, especially when there is no commitment from the person you are involved with.
3. You give them a chance to prove themselves
If you look at it the innocent way, giving listening ears to several people at the same time affords them a chance to prove themselves to you. Shutting yourself out from every suitor because you are interested in one might reduce your chances of meeting the best one for you. In the end, that one may not love you as you deserve.
For this to be done safely, you have to ensure that you are pretending to be committed to either of them but be open enough to let them know what the true state of things is in the relationship.
Disadvantages of dating multiple people at the same time
When you choose to hold on to several partners at the same time and deceive them to think you are not seeing anyone else, here are some potential disadvantages.
1. You might perpetually stay single
If you don’t define what your relationship is, that is, if your relationship is still complicated, you are equivalent to a single person. As long as both of the partners have not consensually agreed fully to be in the relationship, anything can come up in the future that will disrupt the state of things.
When you give off fake vibes to be in love with someone, and you are simultaneously doing so for another, your attention is already divided and that can make things really complicated. Whether you like it or not, it is difficult to fall in love, like the way we mean it, with two different people equally.
Complicating things means you are not actually in a sure relationship, at least not yet. At every given opportunity, you will spontaneously give off the vibes that your energies are not in one place. And when they perceive that, they might begin to reconsider if they should continue with you or not. This might keep you single longer than you imagined.
2. You might offend someone who truly cares
If you strike an anonymous multiple-partner relationship with different people, that is, you are dating different people without them knowing, you stand a high chance of offending either or all of them when the truth eventually comes out. What’s the point of pretending to love several people when you love just one of them?
People do this for some monetary gains and they justify their reasons, but when the truth eventually comes out that you were playing with their hearts, they will hate you with all they have left.
How to safely see multiple dates at the same time
As I started with, having multiple ‘casual’ dates is inevitable. We will all have those moments when we are contemplating several people at the same time. If that is the case, here is how to safely see them at the same time without creating any problems.
- Be honest with all of them that until you get to know them better and want a serious relationship, you are seeing other others.
- Make it open to them that they are also not under any obligations, and are free to see others if they want.
- Do not sleep with any of them during that period. This can make things more complicated.
- Once you are determined, have a conversation with that partner to make them know that you are now serious about the relationship, or at least show it.
- Also, have a conversation with the rest that you have someone you are in a serious relationship with.
Final words
Having multiple dates at some points in our life is inevitable but how we handle the situation is what makes the difference. There might be many reasons why people date multiple partners simultaneously. But while we cannot categorically speak against having multiple dates, it is capable of causing problems if not done the right way. Doing it the right way begins by being honest and open to your partners until you are fully decided to get committed.
