How To Identify and Deal With Gaslighting in Friendship

Gaslighting is by one of the previously least known abuse but has started to gain popularity in recent times. Here is how to identify and deal with gaslighting in friendship.

How to identify and deal with gaslighting in friendship
Gaslighting; Credit: iStockphoto

The more I learn about gaslighting, the more I see how much of it is around us. Gaslighting is all around us, in our friendship circles, family, and so on, but you probably may not even realize it.

Whereas gaslighting is more commonly used in the context of relationships, gaslighting in friendship also exists. Many people are experiencing it without knowing. This is why you need to learn more about gaslighting in friendship in this to be able to stop it.

Gaslighting was first used by Patrick Hamilton, the British Playwright in the play, “Gas Light“, in 1938. In this play, a man named Jack is portrayed as stealing from, cheating on his wife Bella, and doing all manner of atrocities against his wife; and then, trying to convince his wife and everyone that his wife was going insane.

Jack flirts with servants in front of his wife and when she tries to confront his actions, he claims that his wife is going insane or overreacting. He never owns up to his actions, instead, he makes them look like they are only happening in his wife’s head.

While the act of gaslighting was named after Hamilton, it has existed even before the play was scripted and it continues today.

“Gaslighting” has recently received considerable attention on the internet, especially on social media. In 2022, Merriam-Webster named gaslighting the word of the year recording a 1740% increase in lookups throughout the year.

What is Gaslighting?

Merriam-Webster defined gaslighting as a “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

It is a manipulation tactic in which a person, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their own memory, perception, or sanity.

A gaslighter will do all that is within his/her power to make you always look like a fool even when he/she is wrong.

Fortunately, you can only be a victim of a gaslighter when you are not aware of what is going on. Once you become alert to the pattern of gaslighting, it will be easier to combat.

Gaslighting in Friendships

Do you have any friend who makes you feel bullied all the time? Not as though they are physically assaulting you but they make you feel like you don’t know what you are doing. A gaslighting friend tries to erase your memories about a discussion they are having with you because they want to demonstrate some superiority and control.

Gaslighting in friendship usually employs four psychological tactics: invalidation, contradiction, withholding approval, shifting blame, and projection. We will look at these tactics in the context of gaslighting in friendship to help you identify who your gaslighting friends are and avoid them.

Let me give you an example of a gaslighting friend using the five tactics above.

Mary and Cecilia (names arbitrarily used here) are friends and roommates in college. Mary who is younger than Cecilia then asks her to lend her a sum of money to get the jewelry she needs for her upcoming beauty pageantry because she knows her parent would not allow her if she ask them for the money.

  • Invalidation: Cecillia invalidates her decision by saying “Jewelry? You never struck me as someone interested in beauty pageants. Are you sure this is something you really want?
  • Contradiction: When Mary replies that she has been practising for weeks and wants to make a good impression, Cecilia contradicts her by saying “I thought you said these pageants were superficial and that you didn’t care about them. Why the sudden change?
  • Withholding approval: When Mary pleads more for assistance, Cecilia replies, “I suppose I can help, but I don’t see why you’re wasting your time and money on something so frivolous.”
  • Shifting blame: At this point, Mary should naturally feel angry for her roommate trying to downplay her abilities and passion. When she expresses herself that way, Cecilia replies, “I’m just being realistic. If you’re struggling, it’s your own fault for getting involved in these things.”
  • Projection: When Mary says to her that other people have supportive friends, Cecilia projects everything on her by saying, “Those friends probably have realistic dreams. I’m just trying to help you see the practical side of things.”

Now you can see that at the end of the conversation, the gaslighting friend makes the other doubt if she actually wanted to do the beauty pageantry, or if she is right or wrong in the entire conversation.

Most gaslighting friends would do so intentionally because they realise that you are someone they can easily exert control over. You can see that in the scenario of Mary and Cecilia above. Mary seems unaware of Cecilia’s tactics to control her however she wants.

Other Examples of Gaslighting in Friendship

By the way, gaslighting is commoner among female friends than male friends. Here are other examples of gaslighting in friendship.

  1. A gaslighting friend draws close to you, gossips with you and your other friends to extract information from either side, starts a conflict, and then watches the fight from a distance while claiming that the fight is caused by your overreactions and not by his/her malicious activities.
  2. A gaslighting friend could invite everyone else to a party they are hosting but leave you out. Then when you confront them to express your displeasure, they tell you that you are only overreacting.
  3. You enter an argument with a gaslighting friend because he is telling you to give up on your dream of becoming a dancer. They repeatedly tell you that you cannot be a successful dancer in a very cunning way. When you challenge them by saying you don’t need anyone’s motivation to succeed, they painfully tell you that you have done something very bad by saying you don’t need them in your life.

Can you think of any other ways you may have encountered a gaslighting friend?

Gaslighting in friendship vs. disagreement?

It is easy to confuse gaslighting with disagreement. These differences will make you understand and identify gaslighting more when you see someone doing it.

Gaslighting

Disagreement

Manipulates you into questioning your reality of sanity.Seeing things differently but recognising and respecting your perspective.
Present opinions as facts and the only correct way to see things.They are open to learning about your perspective.
They shut down the conversation and blame you for getting too emotional about things.They notice things are getting heated and suggest taking a break to cool down.
They attack your perspective and blame you.They can agree to disagree.
The goal is to manipulate you to question your reality.The goal is either to convince you to see their perspective or to agree with yours.

A gaslighter will never consider your feelings or perspective because they think doing so might open your eyes to their manipulation and end their control forever.

How To Deal With A Gaslighting Friend

A lot of the time, gaslighting is talked about in the context of romantic relationships but little do we realize that gaslighting is also very common in friendship situations. The impact of gaslighting in friendship is also as far-reaching as you can see in relationships.

If you have a friend who is always treating you carelessly or not minding what they do to you because they think they know how to turn the table around, that is a gaslighter right there. Here are some ways to deal with the situation.

1. Confirm the signs

To confirm that someone is a gaslighter, you need to look out for the signs discussed above and see if they consistently do it. Identifying a gaslighting friend is as simple as finding someone who would never agree with you but makes it look like you are constantly overreacting.

A gaslighting friend may do so without thinking or realizing what they are doing to you. It is likely because they have gotten so used to gaslighting you. But no matter how close you too have become, you need to take steps to stop being gaslit as you will see next.

Reflect on individual gaslighting scenarios instead of counting many encounters. For example, if you have a conversation with them and it ends up turning against you, think about how it started and see how they started changing the narrative in their favour.

2. Express your feelings

The best way to confirm that someone is a gaslighting friend is by expressing your feelings. When you express your feelings, that is when a gaslighter will say that you are overreacting. Recall, the major components of gaslighting above.

If you keep cool all the time, they will continue to gaslight you and cover it up to keep their control over you. And when you are sure that they are gaslighting you, and then they tell you that you are overreacting, hold your peace.

Don’t become violent to a gaslighter. The best way to deal with them is by keeping your boundary as you will see next.

3. Reorient your mind

The best combination for successful and agelong gaslighting is when the victim has been conditioned to think that gaslighting is a normal friendship or relationship behaviour. It is possible they grew up in an environment where gaslighting was predominant.

Whether your parents showed gaslighting to each other and you witnessed it, you now know better than to not see it as normal. There is nothing normal with being gaslit. Gaslighting can cost you your personal ambitions, goals, and dreams if you keep allowing yourself to be under their control.

To free yourself, you need to see that gaslighting is not normal to equip yourself on what to do next to break free.

4. Keep your boundary

No matter how close you are to a gaslighting friend, at some point, you may have to stay permanently away. If you remember vividly, you must have had times when you stayed away from them because of how they treated you but you eventually forgave them. This time, you have to make it as permanent as possible.

Keeping your boundary involves not getting too close and personal with a gaslighter. You are not crazy, and neither have you lost your memory. So, you don’t have any business discussing personal information or asking them for help anymore.

Sometimes, a gaslighting friend lacks the self-awareness that they are being abusive. They might have acquired this behaviour from a past relationship or even grew up around it and see it as perfectly normal. However, there is no excuse for manipulating other people to exert control.

Staying away from a gaslighter is the best way to deal with a gaslighter. It would seem as though they are regretting their actions and would try to get personal with you once again. But the truth is, don’t assume that you can change a gaslighting friend. You are probably not the only one they are gaslighting.

5. Don’t discuss it with someone who knows you both

A gaslighter would do everything possible to prove that you are wrong. Explaining to other people who might not exactly understand your perspective is a way of telling the gaslighter that you are still into the game he is very good at.

To outmatch a gaslighter, you should never create an opportunity to argue the case or express your opinions, because they will find subtle ways to prove their point that you are overreacting, losing touch with reality, or losing your memory.

6. Be firm

Years may pass and a gaslighting friend would still want to get back with you. But you need to realize that if they have been doing it for so long, it is not likely that they will change at any point. So, you need to be firm never to restore your former relationship with them.

If you involve friends, they might try to talk you into getting back together. To avoid that, keep the ordeal to yourself and never confide in anyone with your feelings. They can perceive the rifts between you and the gaslighting friend (who should no longer be your friend) but never try to explain.

If you are unable to stay firm in your decision, one simple way to do it is by mentally removing them from your life and replacing them with someone else. An example involves telling yourself that they are no longer your friends and deliberately filling their void with another worthy friend.

Other Gaslighting Scenarios Outside Friendship

1. Gaslighting In Romantic Relationships

Victims of gaslighting in a romantic relationship are manipulated by their gaslighting partner to believe that what they know is not true; that it is fabricated falsely in their minds. The abuser tells the victim that they are overreacting or being too sensitive, while they keep offending you.

Similarly, gaslighting in a relationship can make the victim question their own sanity. As though he/she is actually being delusional about his/her claims. The gaslighter deliberately does this to enable him/her to continue in his/her deeds of cheating, lying, and emotional abuse.

For fear of abandonment, the victim may remain in the romantic relationship despite being regularly gaslit. They might not want to lose the person they love, especially if the gaslighting partner has significantly made the victim feel dependent on them or diminished the victim’s self-confidence.

Gaslighting In Parenthood

Another scenario where gaslighting plays out is in parenthood. Gaslighting in parenting is a difficult situation to control as a child.

Gaslighting in a parent is a sign of narcissism in which the parent creates some kind of dynamic within the home in order to maintain power and control over their household in a way that only benefits them.

It often occurs in the setting of a golden/favourite vs scapegoat child. The favourite child cannot do much wrong in the eyes of the gaslighting parent. This child is not punished for the same offences the scapegoat child would be severely punished for.

Yet, when he/she speaks up, the parents claim that he/she is being too sensitive and overreacts to every little thing. They do this to maintain a power structure by turning one child against another in a way that will favour one or both of them.

The victim child feels mentally beaten and invalidated and might lose his self-worth if he constantly wants to get his parent(s)’ validation. He feels unsure if the parents are his, and he is not strong enough, he might begin to question his sanity, worth, or purpose.

Gaslighting In The Workplace

As far as human relationships are concerned, there is no place where gaslighting does not occur. Gaslighting in the workplace could be between two employees, or by a boss to the employee(s).

Commonly, a gaslighting colleague can do anything possible to make you look like a bad person among your other colleagues and boss. Then, they turn it against you claiming you are always overreaction.

They will try to ruin your efforts and take credit for your good job. They will amplify their mistakes or push their own faults to you in a way to exercise control over you in the workplace. And when you try to express yourself, they’d say you are overreacting.

Gaslighting by a boss usually takes the form of your boss/supervisor physically, emotionally, or sexually harassing you by virtue of their position and when you confront them, dismiss it by saying things like “So, you can’t even take a joke”, “Come on! I was just playing with you”, or “That never happened! It’s all in your head.”

Conclusion

Gaslighting in friendship is also another common type of gaslighting. The experience can be very disappointing and can make the victim lead a life of worthlessness if not checked early enough.

I also highlighted other forms of gaslighting, like in relationships, family settings, and the workplace. Gaslighting is something you should quickly identify and deal with because it can rob you of your right to think logically and have personal reasons for the things you do.

I am a medical doctor, a seasoned writer and passionate blogger. Thanks to many years of trials, failure, and near successes. I am the founder of Knowseeker and our content are geared towards enlightening and making you a better and happier audience.

7 thoughts on “How To Identify and Deal With Gaslighting in Friendship”

  1. Hey there just wanted to give you a quick heads up.

    The text in your content seem to be running off the
    screen in Internet explorer. I’m not sure if this is a format
    issue or something to do with internet browser compatibility but I figured I’d post to let you know.
    The design look great though! Hope you get the problem solved soon. Thanks

    Reply
    • Thank you very much for the heads up, 출장안마
      We will look into the issue as fast as possible.

      Regards
      Prosper Yole

      Reply
      • I also encourage you to use newer browsers like Google Chrome or Microsoft Edge, as most of the features are not supported on the latest version of Internet Explorer.
        Thank you once again.

        Reply

Leave a Comment