You just had a painful breakup? You feel like taking your life, or strangling your ex when next you see them? Heartbreak is a common feeling that accompanies almost every breakup.
I had once thought one can be immune from the feeling of heartbreak that occurs after a breakup but this feeling has been proven to be an inevitable one. But why do we experience the feeling of heartbreak after a breakup?
For a relationship to work out, you have to make yourself vulnerable, letting yourself loose. It's like you deliberately hand over your delicate heart in a glass frame to whoever your partner is. But this same requirement for a successful relationship is still the reason why the excruciating heartbreak after a breakup.
One major contributory factor to the severity of heartbreak is the process of the breakup itself, and the relationship between the people afterward. There are some breakup processes that are seen as peaceful, while others can be so severe that the pain can be so traumatizing.
But in all, whether we like it or not, breakups form an essential part of most relationships today. This is because the aim of any good relationship is to ultimately end in marriage, but if things seem not to be working out between the partners for several reasons, a breakup is usually the inevitable and necessary end of that relationship. However, I have talked about the best approach to having a breakup with your disagreeing partner here.
One reassuring thing to know about heartbreak is that the feeling does not last forever. Even people that thought they would never go through it would become surprised at themselves after they have fully moved on. The only challenge associated with moving on after a breakup is that it may take some time to get over it, but no matter how long or how short it takes, the pain won't last forever.
So what are the ways you can easily survive through the heartbreak period after a breakup without doing insane things that would affect your life or of someone else?
Every breakup brings its own share of the pain and heartbreak but shortly later, we will talk about why some breakups are more painful than others.
Ways To Move on After a BreakupI have been a victim of several breakups and that was because, in most of those relationships, I allowed myself to be the more vulnerable partner. But that commitment and vulnerability were sabotaged by some of my exes. I know how hard it can feel but I thought the process can be made a lot easier with these few tips, at least I applied some of these myself.
- Do your best to get them back
- Get a closure
- Get rid of things that remind you of them
- Make out with old friends or make new ones
- Instead of trying to contact them, call someone else
- Assure yourself that you deserve better
- Do what you love doing
- Take it as a chance to better yourself
- Try not to nurse hate for them, and assure yourself that you do not hate them
- Change your environment
Do Your Best to Get Them BackThe most painful breakups are those that do not have a closure, where the partner who is initiating the breakup does not have the courage to tell the other partner the reasons why they are breaking up. In such cases, the question of "why they are breaking up with you" lingers in the heart of the other person at the receiving end.
One great way to reduce the hurt is to personally do your best to get them back. Most people are really bad at breaking up with other people. They deliberately make the process painful for the ex-partner probably because they have been hurt by the relationship or they are just too childish to consider the feelings of the other person.
You can do your best to reach out to them and try to get them back. This is usually an irresistible desire after a breakup, so the best you can do to reduce the urge to contact them or get them back is to do your best to get them back, at least, your conscience would be clear that you did your best.
However, like you would see later, there should be a limit to this. At a certain point, you will need to stop contacting them and face life beyond your ex.
It is almost practically impossible to get your ex back, most times it would be a game of on-and-off, where a series of breakups and makeups would follow. It is yet surprising that people believe they can successfully get back with their ex who gave them a hard breakup and painful heartbreak.
But though this relative impossibility exists, it would not hurt too much if you give it a try. The only precaution is that you must know when to stop trying and face a life without them.
Note that, someone who really loves you would not let you go through such pain without making efforts to lessen it.
Give Yourself The ClosureIf you are still obsessed with finding out why your ex left you, it is an obvious sign that you did not get your closure after the breakup. Not getting a reason to let go can make the healing process considerably slower and harder. One important reason why you need to do your best to get them back [explained in the previous point], is making attempts to get some closure, some reason to forget them.
Without closure, you will always keep asking the question "why they left you" or "what really happened" or "why they do not want you anymore". Great breakups should answer these questions and it is the responsibility of the partners to mutually agree to have the split rather than putting it up on the necks of the other person. The inevitable truth is that some relationships actually have to let go.
If your ex-partner did not give you the closure you deserve, you need to get the closure yourself. Getting a closure could be anything that can make you realize that they do not love you or simply do not deserve you but if for no other reason, realize that if they really loved you in the first place, they would not make you go through a breakup in such a cruel manner. At least, they would offer an explanation, or even tell you that they do not love you or are not interested in committing to the relationship.
The bottom line is, if you are not going to get the closure from them(recommended), you should get it from yourself that they do not deserve to have you in their lives.
Get Rid of Things That Remind You of ThemOne good way to get over your ex is to get rid of the things that remind you of them. In the initial stages of a breakup, physical reminders of the person you were once with could become emotional triggers for the feeling of heartbreak. Therefore, it is important you get rid of those things as much as you can.
It usually begins with eliminating some of the gifts that you received from them when you were still happy together. But I can't put out a list of those things that remind you of yourself because you actually know them better.
Make Out with Old Friends or Make New OnesLoneliness is a very fertile ground for missing someone you love or someone you once loved. Even for the person who initiated the breakup, loneliness can make them remember the great memories they shared with the other person they just dumped.
For the post-breakup period, the aim is to replace those good memories as much as possible with newer ones that do not have the elements of the person who hurt you so. So it is recommended that you avoid getting lonely while simultaneously making new memories that also give you joy and peace of mind, in place of the old ones that have now become mixed with heartbreak.
Instead of Trying to Contact Them, Call Someone ElseInitially, I find that calling your ex, at least to obtain a closure is often necessary. However, there is a great need to know when to stop contacting them or making attempts to do so. When the calls start getting too much, your ex may consider putting a ban on your line and blocking you on social media. But if you keep making attempts, that will only heighten your frustration when you realize that they have really blocked you from contacting them.
If you need to talk with someone, you should consider calling someone else, probably a close friend. From personal experience and those of other people, this is usually the time to contact friends that have shown emotional interests in you or some of your crushes that you did not say "yes" to. It sounds quite funny but "yes", people do it.
In connecting to other people and friends, you should try as much as you can not to make it seem as if you are trying to get back at them. Rather, you should make it to be about you trying to find some new memories.
After you have been blocked by your ex, do not try to find alternative means to contact them or unblocking yourself. Just call someone else instead.
Assure Yourself That You Deserve BetterOne year down the line, you will realize that you are no longer into your ex as you used to. You suddenly lost all interests in them, and you may have moved on with another person too. The only thing that may be left is you stalking them on the media to find out how they are doing. The reasons why people stalk on their exes will not be covered in this article though.
But truthfully, that time would come and it will be clearer to you that you deserve better than them. But before that time comes, when you would have figured it out, it is important that I make you hear it that "you deserve better" and the only assistance I can ask from you is to re-echo it to yourself that you deserve better.
You know what? If your partner dumped you for flimsy reasons, they just do not deserve you. You always will find someone better and deserving. Just stay calm and you will gradually move over it all.
Do What You Love DoingHobbies are effective in taking your mind off the feelings of nostalgia. There are things that can bring back those memories as well and we have talked about avoiding them as much as you can. When you do what you love doing, you find pleasure in them and the thoughts about your ex gradually fade away. Hobbies and those other things you love doing also occupy you and perfectly protect you against loneliness and boredom, which are the two most important emotional triggers in this regard.
Take It As a Chance to Better YourselfDid I hear someone say "singlehood is the best period of one's life"? You can say that again. There are many benefits of being single, and even though you are not meant to stay single forever, there are some things you can only do or achieve while being single.
You should take this shot at making your life better, build your career, develop yourself, satisfy your passions, and just be single again. It is a fun period, trust me.
Many have had to turn the "hate" to another fuel to be more successful. In short, it is almost a universal feeling to want to show your ex sometime in the near future the value of what they threw away blatantly and this can be a motivation to develop yourself professionally and otherwise.
There may be areas you need to work on or some things that could probably have contributed to the breakup, maybe taking some time to do some personal assessment and development would be even more beneficial.
Avoid Nursing Hate For Them, Assure Yourself That You Do Not Hate ThemYou know what hate does? It makes you think to yourself, "I am going to strangle him when I see him again", or "when I see her in the future with my beloved wife and mother of my children, I am going to look into her eyes and tell her how foolish she was for leaving me and I am going to be really hard on her". But because hate focuses on the other person more, you find yourself losing focus on your own self and development. It's negative energy that, instead of giving strength, drains the little more strength you have left out of you.
For you to live your life to the fullest, you must avoid wasting time on nursing hate for your ex. Nursing hate for your ex also means that you spend more time thinking about them. That will considerably slow down the healing process from the heartbreak. Hobbies and other things you love doing could be helpful in taking your mind off them.
One theory believes that people commit suicide after a breakup because they hate their ex so much that they want to eliminate them. And because they are not able to do so, they seek to take their own lives because an image of love was created in their hearts. But that love no longer exists physically, so in seeking to harm that person who represents the image in their hearts, they end up taking their own lives instead.
Change Your EnvironmentA change of environment is an effective method of refreshing or resetting one's life. Many emotional and social problems can often be fixed by changing one's environment.
Apart from the psychological effect of environmental change in refreshing the course of one's life, a change in environment can also act as a method of eliminating things or places that remind you of your ex.
After such a painful breakup, just travel to see a relative or friend in another location if you can, or relocate to a different place entirely. This is often effective in enhancing the healing of a broken heart following a traumatic breakup.
Other Things To Know About Breakups and Heartbreak
Heartbreak is real and anyone can experience itThe feeling of heartbreak is very real. I've had to hear some people brag that they can never have a heartbreak for no reason. But the singular thing I pray for is that they do not get an even worse heartbreak eventually.
Have you imagined what it is like to miss someone you spent some time with? When they are still around you, you never imagine how you would feel when they suddenly leave you. And that is the same thing with heartbreak, you do not know you can have the feelings until they leave your life.
Like I already mentioned about vulnerability, the more committed you are to the relationship, the more of yourself you will let into the relationship. This translates to increased vulnerability. Such that heartbreak will hit you more. And when you are the committed one, it is very unlikely that you will be the one to initiate the breakup. If at all, you will seek a dialogue and hope to resolve things mutually even if it were ending in a breakup. So apart from the fact that your partner would abruptly close in the door against you, your vulnerability could also be exploited by them.
Vulnerability, essential but exposes one too hurtful breakupSuccessful relationships are high risks projects. Inasmuch as you will need to open up yourself to vulnerability and commitment, you must do some baseline tests and assessments to ensure that the person loves you or is committed to making it work before you advance further. The signs to know if someone is truly committed to the relationship will be discussed in a subsequent post.
The pain of a breakup is felt by both parties irrespective of who is at the receiving end. Even if you are the one who played the heartless role of shutting out your ex, blocking them from contacting you, and some other things in order to end the relationship, there are still times when you would miss your ex-partner. Memories will still abound and even though, the feelings are worse for one of the partners, they are nonetheless experienced by both partners. Similar to the usual feeling you experience when you are missing someone, even some of the most ridiculous acts by the other person could become interesting and worth seeing again. But unfortunately, they are no more there to act in their crazy way for you anymore.
Don't jump too quickly into a new relationshipOne usual feeling people have after a painful breakup is the loss of interest in new relationships. They simply block the aspect of their life that have to do with loving and being loved. It is as though, the previous heartbreak blew off the part of them that controls emotions and love. But in almost every case, another special person comes into their life and their love life is again restored. You have not fully healed until you get to the stage when you can freely enter into new relationships.
It is important to not give up on relationships because of a single incidence or even multiple cases of heartbreak but one little thing worth knowing is that that short post-breakup period, never jump too quickly into a new relationship. This is the period to examine your life and learn your lessons from the previous relationship. The truth is most people learn some of the greatest life's emotional lessons from experiences of heartbreaks and breakups.
Newer relationships could be haunted by feelings from past relationships. You are careful not to repeat the same feeling of hurt and pain in your new relationship so much that, you may not put your best into the relationship. But I don't know how else to say it, but the greatest and most successful relationships are built by facing the risks and letting loose your vulnerability.
The answer to why the breakup occurred is often the required closureThe single commonest post-breakup question is that of "why your partner threw you out the door". Most of the time, signs of a breakup are visible even at the early stages of the relationship but for one reason or another, one of the partners who would later become the more hurt partner chooses to ignore the warning signs and goes ahead to pour out their vulnerability to the wrong recipient.
Getting an answer to the question of why they left can be a desired closure, which will in turn facilitate the healing process. But like I mentioned earlier if you did not get the closure from your ex, be sure to find yourself one.
Maturity is being able to call a break while minimizing the hurt on your partner. If you just turn your back on your partner without offering a closure or remaining as friends until they completely heal, you are just being childish and heartless. But remember that you may not be completely spared from the seeds you are sowing today. So why do it to someone if you know that it will hurt you if someone else does it to you?