8 Effective Ways to Control Sexual Urges When You’re Single

The weather is cold; you need some warmth. Stress is written all over your face; you know a bit of sex would be soothing at a time like this, but then you are single and have values you don’t want to compromise on. You have decided to abstain from sex till you are married. So, how do you effectively control your sexual urges when single?

Sex is an important part of most romantic relationships and marriage, but it is considered a sacred act that should be reserved for those who are legally permitted to do it. However, this is not the case in the world we live in today; many single people engage in sex even more frequently than married people.

However, there are many reasons to control your sexual urges and abstain from sex until you have a faithful partner. Topmost is your decision to keep yourself for the lucky one you would call your husband or wife in the future. Other reasons include the risk of becoming habitually promiscuous, which can affect your marital harmony in the future, pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, as well as a feeling of psychological emptiness if you don’t eventually get married to your sexual partner.¹10 Reasons Not To Have Sex Before Marriage | by Rob Kowalski – Medium

Thus, in this post, we will explore everything you need to know about sexual urges and how to control them when you are single.

Why It’s Difficult To Control Sexual Urges When Single

Keeping one’s sexual urges in check when single can be incredibly difficult because the body seems to need some physical and sexual intimacy. Sex has been considered a biological/evolutionary need that ensures the continuity of life and human happiness, and it has profoundly shaped human history, culture, and society.²Breithaupt H. The science of sex. EMBO Rep. 2012 May 1;13(5):394. doi: 10.1038/embor.2012.45. PMID: 22546705; PMCID: PMC3343355.

A study carried out in the United States showed that of 2325 adults with an average age of 34.0 years, 10.3% of men and 7.0% of women endorsed clinically significant difficulty controlling sexual feelings, urges, or behavior. While the underlying factors were not identified in the study, it gives us insights into the prevalence of difficulty controlling sexual urges.³Dickenson JA, Gleason N, Coleman E, Miner MH. Prevalence of Distress Associated With Difficulty Controlling Sexual Urges, Feelings, and Behaviors in the United States. JAMA Netw Open. 2018 Nov 2;1(7):e184468. doi: 10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2018.4468. PMID: 30646355; PMCID: PMC6324590.

Also, sex has been viewed as one of the most pleasurable activities known to man, and this desire may be considered a biological drive similar to other primitive reflexes and biological needs. This drive is controlled by a combination of primitive brain structures of the limbic system or archipallium⁴Limbic system – Wikipedia through a concerted action of neural and hormonal pathways.

However, specific factors influencing the difficulty of controlling sexual urges include: previous sexual exposures and experiences, preoccupations with fantasies of sexual climax, influence of alcohol or inhibitory substances, arousal, etc.

In addition, differences have been identified in sexual behavior between men and women. While for men, it commonly follows the linear model of desire, arousal, and orgasm, in women, it may follow a slightly different pathway, beginning with arousal first, then desire, and orgasm. In this model, one’s sexual desire can stimulate arousal in another person, making them give in to the idea even when they previously never really needed it.⁵Is Sexual Desire a Biological Drive? | Verso Books

The above holds strong reasons why controlling sexual urges may be particularly difficult when single. One would not die, nor should it negatively affect one’s normal functioning in the setting of not having a faithful/legal partner to engage in the act of sex with. However, the idea that one’s desire can arouse a potential partner who was initially unwilling to engage in sexual intercourse makes most people believe that sexual desire must always be met.

In other words, they don’t see a reason to wait or hold on till they find a true sexual partner because it is something they can easily get. In addition to the feeling of satisfaction that comes after orgasm, they may feel a distressing need to control their urges. And even when one has not experienced it before, one must have heard stories of how great the experience is.

The Science Behind Sexual Urges

Arguably, we can’t fully talk about controlling sexual urges without having a clear picture of how these urges come about. Sexual desire results from an interplay of neural (sensory and cognitive) factors, hormonal factors, genetic factors, and, in our case, the complex influences of culture and context.⁶Justine M. Schober, Donald Pfaff. The neurophysiology of sexual arousal. Best Practice & Research Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism. Volume 21, Issue 3, 2007. Pages 445-461. ISSN 1521-690X. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beem.2007.04.006.

Sensory or cognitive input could arise from sight (visual), tactile stimulation of sexually-sensitive areas, thought of sex or sexual fantasy (cognitive), etc. These are evolutionary adaptations for sexual attraction. Sensory stimuli of any form thereafter interact with nuclear receptors in the brain, particularly the hypothalamus, which secretes dopamine, the major hormone for pleasure, hormone, and sexual desire.

Dopamine causes its effects by activating the mesolimbic reward pathway (including the amygdala, nucleus accumbens, and hippocampus), which increases anticipation and craving for sexual activity. These also relay downstream reflex signals through the spinal cord to the genital areas/organs and sexual organs, which are the usual physical evidence of arousal or sexual desire.⁷Calabrò RS, Cacciola A, Bruschetta D, Milardi D, Quattrini F, Sciarrone F, la Rosa G, Bramanti P, Anastasi G. Neuroanatomy and function of human sexual behavior: A neglected or unknown issue? Brain Behav. 2019 Dec;9(12):e01389. doi: 10.1002/brb3.1389. Epub 2019 Sep 30. PMID: 31568703; PMCID: PMC6908863.

How to Control Sexual Urges When Single

Again, you will not die if you don’t engage in sexual intercourse as a single person. Sex is not essential to life, and when done in the wrong context or setting, can lead to several other problems, including unwanted pregnancy, emotional problems, and sexually transmitted diseases. This means it is possible to control sexual urges and wait for the right time.

If you are finding it hard to control your sexual urges when single, you will find the following suggestions helpful.

1. Understanding the benefits of abstinence

When it comes to sexual health, abstinence is king, but many people in society seem to paint a contrary narrative. Abstaining from sex when you are single is laden with myriad benefits. These include mental peace, focus, true happiness in future relationships/marriage, as well as the aforementioned reproductive and sexual health benefits.

While it might be true that increased sexual urges may result from a lack of satisfying sex in a phenomenon known as sexual frustration, no matter how great the last sexual experience was, you will always look for more. This is why it is better to abstain from sex when you are single rather than try to satisfy your sexual urges once and for all, because this can perpetually keep you in the loop.

Other benefits of abstinence include increased focus in singlehood, personal development, decreased spending on contraceptives and pregnancy-related costs, etc.

2. Understand the risks of premarital sex

Premarital sex is the act of engaging in sexual intercourse when you are not married, and with someone you are not married to. Not only should you be aware of abstaining from sex when you don’t have a faithful/married partner. You also need to consolidate the risks of premarital sex into your mind.

These include the following: unintended pregnancies, abortion and its sequelae, including death, financial and health implications of treating STIs or pregnancy-related issues, emotional trauma and guilt, etc.

3. Practice delayed gratification

This simply means waiting for the right time. Delayed gratification is the decision to endure the short-term discomfort for future happiness and satisfaction. Abstaining from sex now can make you find more sexual satisfaction with your partner when you get married.

Delayed gratification helps you focus on making the most of your life now while focusing on getting the pleasures later. It is a principle of self-control and the ability to resist immediate rewards for the sake of future, more valuable outcomes.

4. Avoid alcohol and drugs

Alcohol and drugs may reduce your inhibition and ability for self-control. This interferes with your ability to resist sexual urges when you are single, particularly when an opportunity shows up.

Certain drugs can also increase your libido or sexual urge by interacting with some of the neural and hormonal regulators of sexual urge. Avoid illicit substances if you want to be able to control your sexual urges as a single person.

5. Participate in religion

Studies have shown that most religions offer some support for abstinence. Many of these religions preach sexual holiness and abstinence until marriage. Even if you have had some sexual exposure before, getting involved in your religious activities can significantly increase your odds of abstaining compared to those who are not religious.⁸Somefun, O.D. Religiosity and sexual abstinence among Nigerian youths: does parent religion matter?. BMC Public Health 19, 416 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-019-6732-2

For example, if you are a fervent Christian engaging frequently in church activities and reading your Bible regularly, you would frequently hear messages or read Christian texts emphasizing the importance of abstinence when you are single.

6. Avoid sexual triggers and pornography

The best way to maintain your sexual self-control is by avoiding triggers. These are things that arouse your sexual interests, and they include things you see/watch, what you read about, and the things you hear. Feeding yourself with sexual triggers and actually absorbing them can make you more interested and make the sexual urges more difficult to resist when an opportunity presents itself.

Avoid consuming pornographic content if you want to build your sexual self-control, except if you don’t care about controlling your sexual urges as a single person.

6. Engage your mind productively

When your mind is occupied with productive activities, there is hardly enough room left for fantasizing about sex. Only the idle mind has room for such thoughts. This is why you should engage your mind productively if you want to control your sexual urges as a single person without a partner.

Engage in hobbies, things that add value to yourself, take up a project, and dedicate yourself to achieving your set goals. This way, you can channel your energy into more productive tasks rather than thinking or fantasizing about having sex, despite not having a partner you can call your own.

7. Seek therapy

If your sexual urges are uncontrollable, you might need to seek the attention of a therapist or someone who can offer you helpful insights into how to overcome them. Look around your locality for a sexual therapist who can show you ways to guard your mind, redirect your thoughts, control your libido, and focus on other important aspects of your life.

8. See a physician

In some rare cases, uncontrollable sexual urges could be due to rare medical conditions. In 2012, a woman named Rim Ramsey, a nurse from New Jersey, was diagnosed with Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder after having sex with a new boyfriend. Details about whether that was her first sexual exposure were not mentioned, but that sex session was said to have activated this condition, which doctors traced to the presence of a spinal cyst she developed 7 years earlier following falling down a flight of stairs.

Medical conditions, certain medications, or mental disorders can cause uncontrollable sexual urges in a single person. If all of the above proved ineffective, it might be right to see a doctor for expert management or a change of prescription.

Medical Solutions to Excessive Sexual Urges When Single

Your doctor might offer you the following interventions when you are dealing with uncontrollable sexual urges when single.

1. Anaphrodisiacs: These are natural products that have the effect of reducing libido or sexual urges. Examples include soy, liquorice, chaste berry, hops, and wild lettuce. The opposite are aphrodisiacs, which are regarded as natural libido boosters, e.g., oysters and chocolate.
2. Antidepressants: Though depression typically causes low sex drives, hypersexuality can also be seen in some cases of depression and anxiety disorders. One rare case report described how depression worsened hypersexuality in a patient with an underlying compulsive sexual behavior.⁹Kalra G. The depressive façade in a case of compulsive sex behavior with frottage. Indian J Psychiatry. 2013 Apr;55(2):183-5. doi: 10.4103/0019-5545.111460. PMID: 23825856; PMCID: PMC3696245.
3. Reversible chemical castration: This involves the use of agents or drugs that interfere with body hormones responsible for the control of sex and libido. By blocking these hormones, these agents can help control arousal and libido until their cessation. Examples of commonly used chemical castration agents include Cyproterone and Triptorelin.

How to Redirect Sexual Energy into Productivity

Merissa Bury shared on HuffPost how she channeled sexual energy into productivity. We expend so much energy on sex more than we imagine, but the pattern differs for men and women.

For women, many yield to the societal value of being attractive and have to spend so much energy worrying about being sexually attractive. For men, most struggle with their sexual desire to have sex with as many attractive females as possible, even while they are committed to one. Either of these requires significant energy that you can put into personal productivity instead.

This is not to imply that sex is wrong or bad. It is a great mode of communication that creates mind-blowing physical, emotional, and spiritual experiences, but it is often misconstrued as the only satisfying method of sexual release. But if we are open enough to consider other outlets of sexual release, we can transduce our sexual energy/time into productivity, Merissa shared.

Rather than channeling all the energy on sexual allure as a woman or spending all your thoughts on your next sexual exercise as a man, these can be channeled into duty, purpose, responsibility, or other things that make you productive. This applies to everyone, whether single or not.

Final Words

It is normal to experience sexual urges when single, but how you think about them can help you find ways to control them. Sexual urges are like other non-essential human desires. When the means of attaining them is not available, one can live without them. If you view singlehood as a period when you do not have full access to sex, you might better understand ways to deal with sexual urges.

Also, controlling your sexual urges when single can open you up to ways of channeling that form of energy/attention to other productive aspects of your life. Thus, making your singlehood even more fulfilling.

This post explores practical ways to control your sexual urges when single while getting the most out of abstinence. I hope this post was insightful.