Parents will always claim they don’t have a favorite child for children still living with their parents, but their actions show otherwise. Every child is equal but there is one who is more equal than others.
Being your parent(s)’ favorite child is a very beautiful feeling. You enjoy their praise, get more pardon for the same wrongs they would punish other children for, and get more food and other fringe benefits. However, being a less favorite child can bring some of the worst feelings as a child.
If you have feelings that you are the least favorite child and you are wondering why, I am going to show you some reasons why you are the least preferred child. This is oftentimes only a matter of luck. It could have been you who is your parents’ favorite. So, this post will also show you how to live well with your siblings without hating on them for a crime they no nothing about.
Also, if you are the favorite child reading this post on behalf of other less favored children, this post will show you how to act kindly towards and balance out the difference in affection shown by your parents.
Real-Life Experiences of a Favorite Child Situation
If you are still wondering whether parental preference for a child over others happens in real life or not, here are some real-life experiences of children who identified that their parents have a favorite child whether intentional or not.
My younger sister was more like my mum – they were both soft-spoken, mild-mannered and didn’t disagree with anyone or stick up for themselves. My sister was content to sit around all day without doing anything much while I had the energy of 10 extra kids.
ScarryMommy.com
I was just an unfortunate one in my family. My mum thinks I hate my younger brother and no matter what I do, as long as it has anything to do with him, I would always be the wrong person. I was always being watched from a distance as if my parents were envisaging something rash from me. He is actually younger than me but the preference was just so obvious.
B.J, Nigeria
I am a 22-year-old female who was kicked out of my mum’s house in early 2017 over a $.50 honey bun. I tried reaching her on mothers’ day and left a message after the third ring. But she never called back. I later found out from my grandma what my mother feels.
A.N, USA
The above narrations make it obvious that being in a family where you are the least preferred can be a very horrible experience.
Next up, we will see some signs that you are a less favored child, plausible reasons why parents have a favorite child, and what you can do if you are the least favored child.
Possible Signs That You Are the Least Preferred Child
While these signs are not fool-proof, having these feelings can indicate that you are the least preferred child of your parents. This can be emotionally challenging as you may be wondering why you are the least preferred.
After seeing these signs of being the least preferred child, we will explore why parents have a favorite child in the first place, and how you cope with the feeling of being the least favorite child of your parents.
- Unequal treatment: including aspects of praise, attention, affection, and giving of gifts.
- Limited involvement in family decisions: Exclusion from family discussions, decisions, or activities can indicate a sense of being less valued or preferred within the family.
- Lack of emotional support: Feeling unsupported emotionally can make you feel like the least preferred child, especially when compared to how your other siblings are treated.
- Unnecessary comparison with siblings: Constantly being compared unfavorably to other siblings in an unhealthy way can contribute to one’s feelings of being less preferred.
- Critical comments: Receiving a disproportionate amount of criticism or negative comments, while other siblings receive more positive feedback can make one feel less preferred.
- Limited recognition of achievements: Not receiving the same level of acknowledgment or celebration for personal achievements or milestones compared to other siblings can also make one feel less preferred in the family.
- Experiencing double standards: Double standards are experienced in the home when one child is held to stricter standards than their siblings. This differing expectation can contribute to a child’s feeling of being less preferred.
- Other things that can suggest that you are the least preferred child include feeling invisible, always being the target of blame, and less financial support.
Why Parents Have a Favorite Child
Intentionally or not, many parents with multiple children seem to have one they favor more. This was traceable to the Biblical story of Joseph who was much loved by his father, which resulted in him being hated by the rest of his siblings.
Being a favorite child can bring some negative feelings against you, especially from your less favorite siblings, but you would get the attention and recognition from outsiders who want to be in your parents’ good books for any reason.
That said, here are some reasons why your parent may have a favorite child even though it might not be you.
1. The birth circumstances of the child
The circumstances surrounding a child’s birth can make one or both of the parents ‘extraordinarily’ close to that child. Such parents try to do everything possible to protect their precious child.
For example, parents who have been expecting a child for many years might get preferentially attached to the first child who opened the womb and bring them joy even after giving birth to more children eventually.
Another birth circumstance I have found to be linked with parental favoritism is a childhood illness. A mother may favor a child who had a serious illness in childhood due to the compassion she has for the child, and this may extend till later adolescence or adulthood.
In the event of a conflict with other children, such parents may find themselves subconsciously being over-protective of the child whom they favor the most.
2. Gender
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalytic theory, proposed the concept of Oedipus and Electra complexes. These explain the complex emotional feelings a child has for the parent of the opposite sex, where a special bond may exist between a mother and her son, or a father and his daughter.
That idea can be responsible for a parent’s preferential treatment towards a child.
On the other hand, gender can be the basis of parent(s)’ preferential treatment in a case where they have only one male or female child among several other children. That lone-gender child may easily become the parents’ favorite child over the others.
3. Birth position in the family
Lastborns generally enjoy more parental privileges because they are often seen as the most vulnerable children who need the most protection and love.
To mothers, the lastborn gives them the last memories of the pain and joy of childbirth, and this can create a special bond between that child and the mother.
In rare cases, an older child can still be a parent’s favorite child, and amusingly, this can make the lastborn feel grossly betrayed when they see how other lastborns are being treated but they are not treated similarly.
4. Marital circumstances of parents
If a child’s parents are no longer together and he/she has to live with a step-parent, the experience is usually not the same as when he/she is living with his/her parents together.
Step-parents usually love their biological children over a step-child, and it can be obvious that they are showing preferential treatment towards their biological children over their adopted or step-children.
5. Good behavior
A more obedient child is more likely to gain any of his parent’s favor than one who is disobedient and unruly. But this is not always the case, as there have been instances of a well-behaved child being treated unfairly despite putting all his/her energy into pleasing his parent(s) to gain their favor.
Generally, obeying your parents unconditionally makes them feel that you love them so much and that parent(s) can love that child in return. Being of good behavior increases a child’s chances of being loved and favored by the parents, but it is painful to see a child who is going the extra mile to be good but he/she is still not appreciated.
6. Lack of conflict resolution skills
Some parents might be seen to have a preferred child due to their lack of conflict resolution skills. Resolving conflicts between children has to do with understanding their sides of the story and punishing them appropriately. Dismissing an act or punishing the other simply because of any reason can make it look like the parent has a favorite child.
7. Unforgiveness of past wrongs
Though this might look unexpected, some parents can harbor unforgiveness for a child who does or says something bad some time ago even when he was just childish. Children can act foolishly or say things they should not say, but a parent might take these words or actions to mind and treat the child as one they didn’t birth themselves.
How to Cope With Being the Least Preferred Child
After much research, I found some people who had ways of coping with being a less preferred child and these can apply to you too.
But you first need to come to terms with the fact that being a preferred child or not has nothing to do with what you are worth or what you achieve with your life. It only means your parents are humans too, and they are subject to having preferences.
Even though parents should do their best to give balanced attention and love to their children, here are some ways you can cope if you are the least preferred child of your parents.
1. Learn to flow with the situation without causing a stir
Nothing feels more satisfying than laughing over something someone meant to offend you. One lady who was a victim of parental favoritism shared in a blog post how she learned to laugh over such situations without causing any stir.
Rather than putting up fights with your parent(s)’ or their favorite child, learning to live harmoniously with him/her can bring positive energy and happiness instead. You should understand that there is no need to hate the favorite child, even though I clearly understand there is a tendency to. Remember, that could have been you, and it wouldn’t be fair if someone mistreated you simply because your parents preferred you.
Come up with words, gestures, or remarks that can make everyone see that none of the favoritism bothers you. Recall that this parental favoritism may continue for a long time, so getting used to it would only be beneficial to you.
2. Obey your parent unconditionally
As you grow up, you gradually begin to understand that it is better to allow peace to reign than to put up attitudes because you want to make a point. Obey your parent whether your parents want you to do everything in the home and spare their favorite child. Avoid any form of comparison and do what you have to do without expecting any favor from them.
Looking on the bright side, some of these experiences can shape you into becoming the best version of yourself. You should try not to spend too much energy trying to feel accepted when you can just accept yourself the way you are.
3. Avoid conflicts with the favorite sibling
Having a conflict with your parent’s favorite sibling will be a futile effort. They would rarely end in your favor even when you are right. To save your face and protect your self-respect, try your best to avoid conflicts or escalated arguments with your parent(s)’ favorite sibling.
4. Discuss with your sibling how you feel
Again, sibling favoritism, as you might call it, can remain even when you are grown up. While the effects might be worse felt when you are younger, you will naturally get control of it later on.
If you feel comfortable enough to discuss with the more preferred sibling, especially if you are the older one, summon them to a discussion without letting your parents know about it.
Discuss with them how your parents make you feel in a way that makes the favorite sibling be on your side. That way, you will be able to easily overlook some of his/her excesses and they may also make efforts to avoid getting you into a bad spot too often in the home.
5. Move out of the home if you can
Despite all you do, it may be impossible to change things when you are still around. In that case, you might see that staying away from home is the best way to avoid arguments and stay harmoniously with your parents and siblings. It will, therefore, be best to stay independent and move out of your parent’s home as soon as you can.
Moving out of the home does not mean you hate them or have become enemies with them but that can rekindle the relationship and make you forget the bad memories with your siblings and parents. Occasionally check up on them to see that they are doing fine, and don’t forget to buy gifts for your siblings and parents.
6. Peacefully confront your parents if they would listen
If you have become mature and independent enough to let your parents know how you feel about their actions, you can discuss it with them.
Sometimes, your parents may not see anything wrong in what they are doing. After all, they are trying to protect the ‘more vulnerable’ child. Discussing with them might open their eyes to the hurt they have been causing you and their other children in the home.
What if You Are the Preferred Child?
Things are significantly different when you are on the other side of this situation. But if you are mature enough to read this post, you understand that it is also important to protect your siblings’ emotions too.
If you are the preferred child of your parents, here are some things you should do to live harmoniously with the rest of your siblings.
1. Give respect to whom it is due
If you are a younger sibling, give respect to your older siblings. Acting in disrespectful ways can make them get angry at you which can put them into trouble because of your parents’ unfair sense of judgment. You want to avoid getting them into trouble as this would make them hate you even more.
You also need to realize that everyone will leave home someday and that your relationship with each other at that time will depend, to a large extent, on your relationship with each other now.
If you are an older child, also give respect to your siblings and avoid putting them in a situation that makes your parents display favoritism for you against them.
2. Be empathic
How would you feel if you were to be in your siblings’ shoes? Being empathic will make them love you more because they see that you understand their perspective and why they feel the way they feel. This can also help you avoid taking actions that get them unfair blame from your parents.
3. Side them sometimes
Sometimes, it can get very obvious that your parents or one of them is taking your side undeservedly. That kind of favoritism can cause serious problems in your relationship with your siblings.
If possible, politely explain to your parents at such a time that your siblings do not mean any harm and that there might be a misunderstanding. Your siblings will love you more when they see your active effort to support them when they are being unduly oppressed against you.
It might look tempting to want to keep the favors you receive from your parents but you should understand that supporting your siblings does not result in you losing the favor you get from your parents. Also, remember that your parents will not always be with you but you and your siblings are the next generations when your parents are long gone.
4. Withdraw when your siblings are overreacting
You don’t always have to defend yourself when your siblings are overreacting, especially if it is because of an unfair judgment by your parents. Consistently being wrong when you are not always wrong can make one overreact sometimes. This is why you need to let them cool off sometimes even when they are guilty in that instance.
5. Discuss with your parents if you can
If you feel you are being seen as the over-protected, more preferred child, you can talk to your parents to reduce their interference in your affairs with your other siblings. That can help reduce your siblings’ feeling of being less preferred in the family.
Otherwise, if you think that would not be productive, you may need to consider other options.
Take Home Lessons
Parental preference for a child over others is a growing reality in many homes today. While it is quite normal to have a favorite person, many parents are unable to handle their preference for a child in a healthy way which can lead to many problems.
When you become a parent, you need to consciously learn to show love and fairness to your children without being overtly preferential. Even if you are drawn more to one child, don’t let that stand in your way of treating the others fairly and nicely. Avoid interfering in your ‘children’s affairs’ as much as possible.
Now that you have gotten to the end of this post, I hope you learned one thing or two. Remember, the sole aim of this post is to foster peace and create a stronger union in the home and family.
