6 Proven Ways to Know Someone’s True Character When Dating

Have you ever been in a relationship or heard of someone who was in a relationship, only to discover surprising traits about your partner much later when it was probably almost too late? Many people believe that it is impossible to know someone’s true character and personality while dating, but there is sufficient evidence to the contrary.

Some people make certain relationship mistakes because they fail to identify their partner’s true colors, a situation that often results in turbulence in the latter part of the relationship, inevitable divorce, and several other heartache experiences. But these problems can be avoided if one can be more careful and observant, especially during the first few months of the relationship.

The early periods of a new relationship are marked by very strong romantic emotions which may mask the actual behaviors of the partners. Many people are blinded by romantic bliss, beauty, and other physical attributes, such that they may not clearly understand their partner’s true character and personality. The usual outcome of this is that they eventually stumble on their partner’s behavior, character, and traits, that they are not comfortable with.

Though I have, on several occasions, used these methods I will share to understand a potential partner’s true character and intention in a relationship, I also delved deep into what research has to say. Thus, this post will show you proven ways to know your partner’s true traits, character, and behavior, especially those that matter to you.

Why It’s Possible to Know a Dating Partner’s True Character

Sufficient evidence exists to show that people tend to hide their true personality or present inaccurate and inconsistent qualities to a new partner.^[1]Toma, Catalina & Hancock, Jeffrey & Ellison, Nicole. (2008). Separating Fact From Fiction: An Examination of Deceptive Self-Presentation in Online Dating Profiles. Personality & Social … Continue reading They do this to optimize their chances of ending up with the new partner but if you don’t put enough effort into knowing more about the person’s character before taking committed steps, you might be in shock when you eventually find out at the later stages of the relationship.

When asked if it is possible to determine someone’s true character, Dr Abbie Maroño, PhD in Psychology and Behavior Analysis, answered on Quora (and reported on Forbes) that “determining someone’s true character can be complex, especially because people are capable of faking behavior, at least temporarily. Non-verbal cues could offer valuable insights into a person’s inner emotions but do not necessarily provide a full picture of a person’s character” but added that “consistency in behavior over time is key to understanding someone’s true character.”^[2]How to Determine Someone’s True Character – Forbes

Psychologically, we can unravel someone’s true character by putting their behavior together over some time. People can successfully fake behaviors and emotions in the short term, especially if they are aware of what is expected of them in any given context. However, research suggests that sustaining such deception over time can be challenging as they engage in long-term interactions and face various everyday stressors.^[3]Ibid., Forbes

Conditions That Can Reveal a Partner’s True Character

People often show their true colors in times of crisis or when they are subjected to certain conditions. But it is important to differentiate between manageable stress and extreme.

Manageable stress or everyday situations like disagreement/conflict, financial struggle, work pressure, and other non-acute stressors are more important determinants of a person’s true character because they test traits like patience, kindness, problem-solving, emotional intelligence, and commitment to the relationship in a more realistic setting.

In contrast, extreme stress or trauma like the loss of a loved one, a life-altering crisis, or severe mental/physical strain may not be the best indicators of a person’s true character. In such moments, people often act out of instinct, fear, or desperation rather than their usual personality. While some individuals with strong emotional resilience may maintain their core values and character under extreme pressure, it is unfair to judge someone’s character solely based on how they react in a moment of extreme crisis.

A better way to understand a person’s true behavior is by observing patterns over time in different situations. Under normal situations and moderate stress, do they take accountability for their actions after a crisis? Are they generally kind, reliable, consistent, and committed to the relationship?

6 Ways to Know a Partner’s True Character When Dating

While it is possible to know your partner’s true character when dating no matter how much they try to hide it, the trick is in being observant and objective in your assessment. But these alone are not enough to know your partner’s true colors.

In this section, we explore some effective ways to accurately know all you need to know about your partner’s character when dating.

1. Be open and non-judgmental

Being open and non-judgmental allows the other person to be themselves as much as possible around you. This allows for free expression of their behaviors, values, attitudes, and general demeanor without fear of being judged.

When you love someone, you are not exactly looking for a perfect character. You can certainly expect some flaws because no one is perfect. However, trying to learn more about someone’s character and values when dating is primarily because you don’t want to be surprised later in the relationship when you find out you never knew your partner enough before you got married to them.

Being open and free allows you to find out the true nature of your partner’s behavior, especially when you can identify patterns over some time.

2. Ask the right question

Even though people can attempt to hide certain things about their lives, you can build the relationship to the point when you can comfortably ask the important questions that highlight your partner’s personality, character, and even some past lifestyles that matter to you.

The following questions may unravel several aspects of your partner’s personality and true character.

• What do you value most in life?
• What is your idea about handling conflicts in a relationship?
• What is something you cannot tolerate?
• How do you cope when things don’t go your way?
• What is one thing you believe strongly that others might not agree with?
• What’s one lesson you learned from a past relationship?

The list is not exhaustive but knowing the important questions to ask involves: asking questions that focus on how they repeatedly respond to common life situations, reveal their core values and priorities, as well as those that show how they would respond to life’s unexpected/stressful situations.

Of note, it is important to learn how to analyze and interpret the answers to these questions bearing in mind that they can still offer inaccurate answers as long as doing so makes them look better. You should get suspicious if they always give perfect answers because life is not so perfect as to have some being so perfect.

3. Observe his/her behavior towards other people

No matter how much someone tries to hide their true character and personality, it won’t be for long before you can start observing their behavior towards other people. Even if they are trying to falsely paint a good image of themselves, they won’t have the energy to do so for so long.

They may treat you well to keep the relationship but watch how they treat other people, strangers, service workers, or family members—this often reflects their true character.

How does he/she respond to people who are of a lower social class?  Are they embarrassed by such people or do they treat them with disdain? How does he/she handle power when they are in a superior position? Are they courteous, and generous, or mindful of what they say or how they act? How do they handle criticism or act in situations where they are wrong, or when faced with opposing views?

These questions reveal important aspects of a person’s personality and character. But again, while no one is perfect, you need to know what character traits appeal to you and what is a complete turn-off in the relationship.

4. Engage them in casual conversations

One of the best ways to learn about someone’s values, personality, and character, is by engaging them in normal conversations. Talk about any unplanned topic that comes to mind and listen carefully to what they say.

By engaging in such conversations, it should signal to them that you are interested in them and would like to know them better. Thus, you can easily spot a dubious or unauthentic partner in how they actively avoid normal conversations with you.

5. Observe what kind of friends they keep

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, as the saying goes, and this often holds true when understanding human behavior. The kind of friends they keep and their contributions to the conversations they have with them can give you a clue about their true character.

While this is not an absolute rule—since some individuals behave differently from their social circle—the company someone keeps often reflects their values, habits, mindset, and overall character. A more accurate way to assess a person’s character is by observing their active participation in discussions (what they contribute), how they influence and are influenced by the group, and whether they uphold their own principles or conform to external pressures.

6. Find out from close friends

Asking your partner’s close friends simple questions like “What kind of person do you think he/she is?” can reveal a lot about your partner’s true character. And when you do so, you should pay close attention to what they tell you about them.

Some friends might give highly positive remarks about your partner, sometimes because they don’t want to be involved in ruining their blossoming relationship, while others might give highly negative remarks because they have some feelings against their friend’s relationship with you. Thus, getting an accurate understanding of these responses involves listening well to the hidden contexts behind their responses, as well as making inferences only after sampling different people close to your partner.

These, together with insights from the other investigative methods above can give you strong insights into the true character or personality of your partner while you are dating.

10 Important Traits to Look Out For When Dating

There are a myriad of things to look out for when getting to know your partner more. Here are some of the most important quality traits to study for in your partner.

1. Emotional maturity: How they handle disagreement, respond to criticism, or take responsibility for their actions.
2. Honesty and transparency
3. Communication skills
4. Kindness and understanding
5. Intelligence
6. Confidence
7. Creativity
8. Respect
9. Conflict resolution skills
10. Life’s goals

Final words

While it is possible to know your partner’s true character while dating, it requires careful observation, an open and non-judgmental mindset, and emotional maturity. It is important to assess their actions within the context of surrounding circumstances, rather than jumping to unnecessary conclusions.

I hope you learned a thing or two from this post. If you did, consider dropping a comment and sharing this post for more blessings. Thanks for reading.